I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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