Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize