I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
why does every cop we meet know your name?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
