Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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