2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
