last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
i think i just lost a toe
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
