i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
