My hand turned me down
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize