she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
