id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My ATM looks so different sober.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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