I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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