i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
