so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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