We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
