More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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