when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Randomize
