Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
