Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You pole danced in your parka.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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