Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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