i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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