She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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