bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
