your thong is hanging out like whoa
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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