Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
