What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
