Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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