Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
