So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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