bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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