she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
