I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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