he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
