If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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