I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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