I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
