I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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