the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
