I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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