they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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