Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
