i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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