First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
