Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
