Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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