I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
