Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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