it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Come on in and take your pants off
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