someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
