Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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