i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
