i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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