I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Couch. On fire.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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