I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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