Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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