Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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