Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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