the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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