I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
