when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
