I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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