3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
