I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
