Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You can't just leave with hair like that
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize