Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
