1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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