My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
