Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
