My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
