Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize