sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
