I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize