I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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