you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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