I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
